2017

I know I vent too much, too often, and I am good at venting it away but right now, at this very moment, after all of the recent events, I finally realized that most of my problems probably came from my own personal being. No matter how many times I cursed at the mother nature for giving me such life, it all came back crashing into me all over again. 

Life was going great, it was really great. I started off this whole new chapter with a clear mind and a clean heart. Along the way, I met people; great people, wonderful people, people I never thought I will be grateful for. And I cannot describe how contented I was, I really was. But then again, life will always have its surprising way of throwing shits, I don’t know about yours, but mine definitely had. It’s funny because I am not able to write that down all but I am trying here. Losing words to be spit out would be the most cliché reason but I have nothing other than to say that my tongue is tied. Silly me to say, because I know that writing doesn’t need any tongue. I just—I just don’t have any space left to whine or write it out. I felt like I even got no time to feel tired anymore. 

But now I am so full of balloons of mixed-up feelings I am not able to hold inside anymore, any minute it will burst and ruin everything that I have ever put back for years. 

Under these circumstances 

I know the only thing I should’ve felt 

is relieved 

For finally able to break free from the routines 

For finally able to do things I’ve been longing for years 

592 miles from home is where I belong 

At least that’s what I thought 

When the saltiness being thrown by the wind 

Even when it also pours down from above 

But oh I was clouded 

By the uncertainty of the galaxy 

And oh I was fooled 

For I was so happy 

Not even once come to my mind 

How life will turned out to be 

I started off this whole new chapter with a clear mind and a clean heart, I said. But pardon my lack of remembrance that sometimes I forget the way my life works. Once again I thank the man behind my fate for always reminding me right away. 

Between crowded places I usually cursed at 

Two three four souls easily connected 

By an invisible wire we never realized existed 

With a glimpse of voices we unconsciously recognized 

And two three four times a week are what is needed 

For mind to be made up of dark pile of shit 

People said things out of everything that appears 

Have simply no effort to dig deep into what there is

Resounding of similar words 

I am too scared to acknowledge 

Whispered constantly 

Over and over 

By way more than a couple of different peer 

Yet familiar to the ear 

As if I haven’t heard enough from inside 

As if it is putting my twisty thought into right 

None of these probably make sense to most of you. Don’t you worry, it also makes no sense to me. Not even a little bit, not even at all. But I am responsible of my own being and I feel sorry for myself; for I am so weak, so not capable of swallowing it all without drowning myself into something I need to chug to take away the pain. 

It’s because I get easily addicted to something 

That took away the pain 

That seems harmful to any soul but mine 

His distant laugh that turned my world upside down 

Or any other things in many kind 

Dissolved into a stream, mixed up with the steam 

Or one thing I carefully locked inside 

Only to be put out to a pair of beautifully crafted souls 

Right when the night is dark 

And the mind is numb 

Out of unconsciousness 

Long after the moon replaced the shines 

The most twisted monster I myself afraid of 

Who also is a part of mine 

Which I referred as the other me 

Came only when I called her in silence 

Behind the closed door 

But funny, funny thing is now 

I called her the devil in disguised 

Simply because 

Every time she come knocking from within 

I cannot help but letting her out 

Taking over all the odds 

Leaving me with all of the mess she brought 

And for years she already made me as I am right now 

Becoming the person you recognized as me that you come to know 

I’ve let her to take control of me and I lose myself afterwards. This is not something you thought you know, this not some kind of your weird assumption, this is not things you could ever think of. This is real and I’ve been drowning for years. I could only blame myself for the fact that I am not the only one who know about this. Out of those people who always never failed to disappoint me, I am grateful for having the best two out of them as the only people I actually never thought to talk about this to. And I let you two be. 

The exact paragraph above might not come into your senses but I don’t care. I don’t frickin care. 

Well, I’m sorry because I am such a hypocrite for saying that I don’t care. 

Because I do care 

So much 

I am the kind of people who care 

And that might be my biggest problem 

I know I only got myself to blame 

For this exact things I constantly do 

For this exact things I constantly feel 

For I can’t help but to care 

About people who actually matter 

About things which actually doesn’t 

So this will be my conclusion 

Of every struggle I find 

That being understanding and caring 

is not the way life was supposed to be lived 

But I just can’t help it 

To care 

A lot 

Way much more than a lot 

And I need to stop saying sorry 

For caring too much 

Because I care a lot 

Even when I don’t want to 

Even when I don’t have to 

Even when I don’t have the right to.