When you’ve tasted the bitterness of life too many times, you turned into one of these two. Either a mature survivor or a broken living creature. It doesn’t matter who you turned into, the hardest part is the struggling in the way of making it. The only way to get out of the storm is by going through. But I know exactly how it feels when you tried hard enough to go through the storm by dancing under the rain, trying to make a rainbow out of it, yet you feel more broken and defeated. I know exactly how hard it is to keep a positive mind with all of the toxic surroundings. The more you want to choose yourself, the harder it gets for you to live your life.
It gets much worst when you are one of those people who feel too much towards everything. You get so used to put another people first and you find it hard to found the right one who see the world with the same perspective as yours. And if you do, the problem didn’t stop right there. At first, it will be hard for you to trust them, to let them see the hidden part of yours you never expose. Until you shared the same grief and finally have the same ground, you started to have a little trust to let them in. You peel your dark layers one by one, baring your damaged soul as the times gone by. At this moment you’ll realize that you are not alone—or at least you try to convince yourself that you aren’t. One advice I can give is that at this very phase, you have to enjoy it, enjoy every moment of it but never stop to be cautious. Do not rely too much to those who are around. Do not lay your fragile heart on the hands of others. Because I know that the inside of human being is unnerving—being too comfortable, you’ll break yourself even more; being too distant, you become a jerk to them; being in between, you lost them to the very core.
I, myself, am still learning and continuing to search for the right way of human interaction. Up until now, all I know is that understanding plays the biggest part. You may not get another people but try to understand them anyway; understand that not all of every aspect and emotional side of them you can handle; understand that people are not cut into the same pattern. And then you’re gonna have to start loving them in spite of it.
You’ve tasted the bitterness of life too many times, doesn’t mean that other people also have to. It is easy for me to say so when in reality I also am struggling to figure myself out. Every second of waking up is another whole day of trying to not ruin every little thing in my life. You may have a little too much worry and spend a little too much time to overthink, but don’t let it drag you into places you once lost yourself in. You may hide your feelings and swallow it away, but don’t push it inside harder than you can handle. We are not built to have an infinite span of spaces inside of us, so, we have to let it out. I am lying to myself if I say that it’s easy to release some of the burden on my shoulder I’ve been carrying alone my whole life, but you have to keep it in your mind that sometimes, if you are lucky enough, you will find someone or even some people who are sincerely want to be the place you run into. And they will be your blessings in disguise even when it’s hard for you to realize that. You have to let it sink in; you have to know that you can allow yourself to be vulnerable in front of the right people.
You’ve tasted the bitterness of life too many times, you started to lose your mind. You are blinded enough by your wound until you are not able to see people’s sincerity. You got so used to kiss your own bruised knuckles rather than accepting a hand that is willing to trace the wounds on your wrist. I know it’s not easy to do so because once you do, you give them a piece of yourself you know you can’t take back.
I’ve made too many mistakes and been yelled by too many people to finally be able to say all of this, but you have to take the first step to start realizing that not all of people around you will leave. I’ve learned the hard way that if you keep denying the love they try to give, you will ended up crawling your ass back into the darkness where you once were in the first place.
You may have the different way to love people and not everyone get it. But I do, I really do. I understand the need to keep pushing people you love away; the need to be distant sometimes along the way. I understand the reason you do that is because you want to know whether they are brave enough to come back and strong enough to stay. I understand because I’ve done that too many times until I realized that it is not them who I don’t trust, it’s me. I don’t trust myself to not be stupid enough and ended up ruining them. I don’t trust myself to let them stay because I cannot handle any more losses. So, I want you to trust yourself first.
People are full of inconsistency and mystery but one day you will find your own people and when you do, please keep this in your mind. You have to trust yourself to open up and then letting them wander into the home you’ve built within yourself. You’ve already tasted the bitterness of life too many times, why don’t you be a little braver than you’ve ever been. You will never find out whose presence you really need in your life, if you always think that you’re too damaged to befriend.
If I have the chance to tell myself the same thing, I wouldn’t waste any more time to let my people know that I am sorry for being hard to deal with; for making too many stupid mistakes to them; for needing too much reassurances to believe that they are willing to stay. To all of you who chose to not leave and keep on giving love in spite of a thousand arguments, all you have to know is despite the fact that I’ve tasted the bitterness of life too many times, I am beyond blessed to have you all. I am slowly learning to not run from myself, but even if one day you all do, I won’t hold it against you.
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