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Things I am not willing to share: 1. The lychee on my iced tea 2. Pia legong 3. The last bar of chocolate 4. My fucked-up history on the family area 5. The scar that’s way too revealing yet i’ve always succeed on hiding 6. The comfort of my own cold & quiet room whenever I need my space 7. My best friend’s confidential stories 8. Names of my crushes (like, never) 9. Hundreds of unfinished letters of anger I wrote to avoid snapping at people when I’m upset 10. The old site of my blog Actually, there are like hundreds of things I am not willing to share to anyone, including you. I’m sorry this is not a love letter and you’re not the only exception. You are not even an exception at all. There isn’t any exception regarding my life and my constant need of dealing with it by my own. Your way of being right there in front of me with eyes full-focused listening to my rambling words about the movie I watched last night while drinking an iced lychee tea is what I want to write about. It is n...

Untuk setiap hela napas, terdapat harapan dan mimpi yang hampir kandas Diselipkan penuh hati-hati dalam satu dua tiga gulir detik yang berlomba dikejar oleh mati Entah tentang rencana panjang atau cara menghindari berjalan telanjang Akuilah, Tidak semua nyata adalah bahagia Semua yang diinginkan untuk menjadi, Pun akan mati di beberapa sisi Seperti seorang penulis yang punya mimpi untuk ciptakan sebuah citra yang memanja mata Namun apa daya, Jauh sebelum kuas menyelesaikan tugasnya, Ia sadar untuk mengingatkan sejuta manusia Akan kesia-siaan yang akan datang Dalam setiap hela napas, Penulis tahu tangannya bukan untuk menggores kuas; Bukan untuk mencampur warna; Bukan untuk mencipta citra, Di akhir cerita, ia akhirnya memanggil teman baiknya Untuk sekadar temani apa yang sudah terlanjur mati Sebelum menjadi Sederet kata yang tersusun di bawah gambar adalah bentuk pemanfaatan akan semua yang telah  hancur berantakan Mati ditelan harapan selama tujuh bulan

Aku mau mulai nulis suka-suka Gak melulu soal hati Apalagi cinta Enggak perlu mikir mau pake diksi apa Nulis satu kata juga suka-suka Enggak kek, gak kek, nggak pun ya gapapa Eh, atau nggak papa? Nulis gini bukan gue banget Pake gue pula ???? Namanya juga udah lama enggak Nggak nulis, maksudnya Kalo nggak yang lain mah udah lama banget Nggak ketemu orang, nggak pulang malem, Nggak ke luar rumah selain kerja Banyak yang protes perkara pesan tak terbalas Banyak yang ilang perkara udah gak dianggap teman Padahal kerjaan cuma gini-gini aja; Melek, minum air, basuh muka, pesen gojek, Absen di lantai 28, pesen americano otr pake saus dolce 2 pump, duduk, minta ditemenin orang, ngisi paru-paru, Balik ke lantai 39, buka laptop, niatin nanti sore pulang kerja mau nulis, eh tiba-tiba udah setengah 7, absen, pesen gojek, Nunggu lift, abang gojek udah sampe, lift belum kebuka, Diburu waktu, dikejar telfon abang gojek, dikelabui buyi ‘TRING’ kirain lift kebuka, berdecak kesal, gak sabaran, ada ...

I used to crawl into bed with the pain of your name Blood streaming down my eyes; praying for the time you came Screaming for air at the same time Not ready to hug you with another goodbye My whole life I only know you as one, And eighteen, twenty one, also thousands of none That afternoon I let the day passed by And yet, you go back to the place when we were still blind The tight hug is not helping at all Neither the easy tone wrapped in a loose t-shirt Your whole existence reminds me of hell I’ve been living in Since the last time you let us be gone And leave me here all alone Those days I wasn’t even sure I will survive because I used to run from everything by going to your reek-of-cigarettes words and cold as stone mouth. The sweet “ oh, darling, remember that you will always come home to me ,” used to make relieve streamed down all over my bones. That was enough, the hand to my limped foot; the band-aid to my burning world. My name rolled over the messages which I knew who it...

You gave me a ring of promises and I remember you wearing your bright yellow t-shirt  I laughed, I joked about it, you laughed But when I wake up I breathe into nothing other than the feeling of your ring on my finger and the reality that you are already long gone

I was ready to move out of the house you built for us to stay the moment I knew you will never come home anymore I sleep on the couch while watching TV without having to slide to the other side making a space for you to sit on I draw a nice bath with cold water I’d pleasurably enjoy without hearing your nagging voice from the other side of the door telling me to soak into hot water I lay awake at night snuggled into a thick blanket on rainy days without turning the heater on and there isn’t any warmth of your breath creeping on my skin trying to block away the cold I listen to my favorite whispery voice from slow mellow songs instead of having the argument over a blaring deafening one of yours I watch series that we both used to love one season in a night and when that one particular movie was on the TV I smiled remembering how hard you always cry while watching it And then I play it again for the hundred times trying to accustom myself not to deliberately searching for your ...

My old man didn’t bring me to life But he sure as hell is there every step of the way; Cradling the innocence within me, Dragging my bones, sometimes way too harshly And yet I don’t mind, I never do He walks as much as he talks wearing the grey too early for his folks Every time his mouth opens, he breathes out my lifeline And yet I don’t mind The ship bows when he whispers to the wind The time comes for the sun to dim, He lingers, not even once giving in Through whomever mouth the cruelty slipped out, He stands, not even once giving up I recall finding every bones in his body breaks apart; His voice raised, his blood dried up; Saltwater pooling in his clear stare, more than he can ever bear But never once I feel the grip of him loose from my ends I might not come from him, not entirely But I might as well be, I always wish I do For he is the only living breathing human being, whose quarter blood runs in my vein, never breaks my heart, or put my wrists in chain Every good pieces o...